Hello! I know I haven’t written in a while. My world has been topsy turvy. I am hoping to write soon. Bear with me – I have a lot to sort through.
The other side of the coin
Last weekend was another busy and beautiful weekend. I was sure that I’d write about some of the things that happened at my church. My youngest child – my beautiful little girl – made her First Holy Communion. We spent the afternoon with family, and friends who are now family, and it was good. It was truly good.
The next morning, she wore her lovely dress again, and I served her her second Holy Communion. it was a privileged moment, and it was good. It was truly good.
Sunday afternoon was spent in our church – busy, but blessedly so. I love to spend my time serving my parish, serving my Church, serving my God. And it was good. It was truly good.
But at some point on Sunday, in the middle of a prayer, while sitting in a pew, amidst my parish family,, my soul sunk a little. The tickle was there in the morning, during Mass. I couldn’t sit still. I didn’t want to be there, just as much as I wanted to be there. I felt discontent…listless. Maybe it truly settled in later, during the Divine Mercy chaplet, when my mind began to wander to my own sense of worthlessness. At some point it snuck in, and took hold of me.
Depression.
Again.
Argh.
Depression is something I have dealt with for my whole life. In my teens, I had frequently entertained thoughts of suicide, but never truly had an interest in trying. At some point, still quite young, I remember realizing that I’d gotten through a particularly nasty bout. At that moment, I realized that my depression came in spells, and wasn’t a permanent state. That was when I recognized my enemy. That was when I knew that I could handle whatever it threw at me, as it would only be false and only be temporary. That was the day when I knew I would never kill myself.
No matter how bad I felt about myself – I would weather it until the storm broke.
I’ve always managed to get through it.
A few years ago, I returned to the Catholic Church. Thank God! And since I’ve come home, my renewed relationship with God has impacted my depression.
Knowing that God loves me unconditionally – as much on my best days as on my worst… walking into the confessional as much as walking out…on days I swear as much as days I pray… helped me feel truly loved and worthwhile.
I am truly loved and worthwhile.
I don’t always feel that when I’m battling a bout of depression.
But as a restored Catholic, having talked about the goodness of God to so many people, and knowing it in every fiber of my being to be true – I can’t deny that truth even when everything seems really dark.
And so God has become my light in that darkness.
But… In loving God so much, I desperately want to serve Him – to fulfill whatever plan He has for me. And so when depression sneaks in, this desire becomes a weakness.
During these times, I believe that I am failing God – that although He loves me, and there is nothing I ever could do to earn His freely given love – His pure and perfect love is wasted on a soul like me. That He made me for a purpose, and I am not failing.
This is not true, of course. But it is a terrible thing to feel like you’re failing God.
Even when you know He’d love you anyway.
And so this is where I am – wading through a bout of depression. I have felt uncomfortable in my home parish, fearing I’ll be seen as the fraud I feel that I am.
Feeling useless. Feeling incompetent. Feeling tired. And yet also feeling, as I sit in front of the altar in quite moments of prayer – that I AM LOVED!
The crucifix in our church is beautiful. It is a “Sorrowful Mother” crucifix, and it shows our Mother Mary, standing beside her crucified Son and gazing up at Him as she holds out to Him a chalice.
It is a moving image for me during these moments. Mary – who was just a girl – perfect, and yet otherwise insignificant – chosen by God before any other woman throughout time, to be the Mother of Jesus Christ. She was perfection in motherhood. She merely offered her son her best – her love and her knowledge and her faith and her sustenance. And it was enough to raise Jesus to be the supreme teacher and shepherd and healer and priest that He was. She raised a little boy to be the Human the world needed, and the God that His father needed.
And all she did was raise her son with love. What more do I have to do to feel a sense of purpose? Nothing. My family is my vocation . They are my purpose. They are enough.
And so am I!
Friends, I live with depression. I will feel better soon. I seek the help I need.
Please, if you are depressed, seek help! There is no shame in it.
You are enough! God loves you. I love you. Take care of yourself. You’re the only you that will ever be, and Jesus knew of you when He climbed the cross. He loved you that much! So take care of yourself. Give yourself a chance! You’re worth it!
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org
The Triduum
Today was Easter Monday – a return to a bit of normal after the Triduum.
Like much of Holy Week, yesterday was a blur of coming and going, and all of the chaos that comes with school vacation week. Added to that was the excitement of the Easter Bunny and the craze of sugar, and well… Easter Sunday was less spiritual than I’d have hoped.
Even still, at Easter Mass, the pews were so full that the priest and ministers had to break up the hosts during Communion to ensure enough for all who received. There was enough, thank goodness! And God willing, some who came yesterday will be inspired to come to Mass again before next Easter! Our parish had to hold two extra Masses yesterday to hold everyone, and we needed to bring in a guest priest. That IS a beautiful thing, so I certainly have no complaints!
But it is the Easter Vigil, though, that is favorite event of the Liturgical Year. And so I suppose that is why Easter Sunday was almost a little anti-climactic.
Oh, the Vigil! What a profound and beautiful evening!
Just a few months ago, I went on a pilgrimage to the Holy Land – to Israel and Palestine. Over the course of one life-changing week, my fellow parishioners and I followed the footsteps of Christ. We went to places I’d read about but never really tried to visualize. Admittedly, most of the locations are significantly different than they would have been during Jesus’s time. The ornate churches built up around the places of His birth, death, and resurrection must certainly make them unrecognizable to what they once were. Even still – we were there. We saw the locations of His birth, and His death, and His ministry. It was an amazing experience.
At the Vigil, and again on Easter morning, we renewed our Baptismal vows.
Just two short months ago, I stood in the Jordan River where Jesus was Baptized, and on its shore I renewed those same vows:
I DO renounce Satan, and all his works, and all his show.
I DO believe in God, the Father almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth.
I DO believe in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord, who was born of the Virgin Mary, suffered death and was buried, rose again from the dead and is seated at the right hand of the Father.
I DO believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy Catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and life everlasting.
More than that – at the Vigil we had new Catholics make those vows for the first time. I had the honor of standing in as sponsor for one of them.
I placed my hands on this young man’s shoulder while he made those same vows, and though he may not know it – his life has been changed by saying “I DO!”
My life has been changed by hearing him say it.
Our Church has grown richer and fuller with her new additions.
Moments later, I served as an Extraordinary Minster of Holy Communion.
Now, I know many believe that only priests should be able to serve Communion, and if there were enough priests, I would happily agree. But as it stands, there aren’t enough. And so I help. It is one of my greatest joys and privileges to be able to serve the Body of Christ to those who approach the altar to receive Him.
Every time I do it, I am overwhelmed by the beauty of the act.
At the Vigil, I almost wept. The reality of Christ’s sacrifice hit me as I stood there, and.I could barely contain myself. I thought of the pilgrimage, of all of those places I saw when the Gospel unfolded before me. I thought of my family, who guided me Home to the Church when the Holy Spirit called me. I thought of the baptismal vows I’d only just heard said by our newest Catholics, and saw the earnestness in their faces.
I thought of vows we’d ALL made. And I looked at each parishioner who approached me – brothers and sisters in Christ. And I loved them! They are my church family!
While the pews are full on Easter Sunday of families who are making their annual Mass, the Vigil is full of the Church faithful. They are the familiar faces I see all the time. They are the devout.
The same is true for Holy Thursday, when I sat at the front of the church having my foot washed by a priest. Those in front of me were my fellow parishioners, and humbling (I repeat: HUMBLING!) though the experience was, I trusted it. I trusted them.
I knew I was amongst family! I was home!
This weekend has been a profound one! It IS a blessing to see the pews so full on Easter Sunday. I do hope to see all those faces again next week.
But it was the rest of the week that has moved me! The multiple times I came together with my brothers and sisters of the parish to remember what Jesus sacrificed for us, and to celebrate that He conquered death for us.
Thank God Easter is not just a day. Let us celebrate this whole season in joyous memory of Christ’s resurrection, and the glory of the empty tomb.
I hope your Easter was, and continues to be, as moving as mine.
Happy Easter!
Dove on the shore of the Jordan River, where the Holy Spirit descended 
The Jordan River – the site where Jesus was Baptized by John the Baptist, and where I renewed my Baptismal vows this winter. 
“Welcome to the Baptism Site. Happy Holiday”
At a Cathedral…
This week, the world watched and mourned as Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris was damaged in a fire.
The following morning, I attended a Chrism Mass at the Cathedral of the Holy Cross in Boston.
I had planned to attend the Mass already. The Chrism Mass, for those of you who don’t know, is a Mass celebrated during Holy Week in which the local priests come together with their local Bishop to renew their ordination vows and then bless the three Holy Oils used for sacraments throughout the year. The oils are the Chrism oil – a pine scented oil used for Confirmation, Baptism, and Holy Orders; the Oil of Catechumens, also used in Baptism; and the Oil of the Sick, used to anoint the sick and aged. This Mass is celebrated in dioceses all over the world, and at each of those Masses, local priests gather to collect those oils to bring home to their parish.
It is a beautiful Mass.
At the Chrism Mass in Boston, almost 300 priests, deacons, and seminarians joined with our local bishops to celebrate. It is an amazing sight to see so many ordained men come together, wearing their white chasubles, sitting together and with the seminarians who will hopefully be priests themselves soon. The men process in and recess out together in an impressive flow of white fabric and eager smiles.
Adding to the beauty of the Mass was the Cathedral in which it was celebrated. The Cathedral of the Holy Cross has only just been renovated – and it’s restoration has made her once again a magnificent homage to the Sacraments she contains.
It is no small thing to stand in a building designed so beautifully and restored so lovingly. Every corner of the building is meant to glorify God in all three persons, as well as the religion that He founded.
Standing in that Cathedral with hundreds of ordained and religious – people who have dedicated their whole lives to Christ – was humbling. Especially knowing that at the very same moment, people all over the world were mourning for Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris.
I have never been to Notre Dame. I do hope to go one day – God grant that it be restored soon enough that I will be able to see it. But even the most magnificent buildings – like these two Cathedrals – are only “things”. Even those treasured relics they contain are only “things”. Yes – even the Crown of Thorns and the pieces from the True Cross are mere things. If they were destroyed – the Catholic Faith could continue.
So what is more important than these things? The Sacraments! The Eucharist. The Sacrament of the Altar. The priesthood. Yes- the priesthood! The uninterrupted apostolic succession which allows these men – once ordained – to change mere bread and wine into the true Body and Blood of Christ.
Jesus himself established the Eucharist, and ordained his successors, and through them established the Catholic Church.
The buildings in which we celebrate this Faith can glorify it, but not contain it!
Notre Dame has burned. What was once magnificent has broken and become ugly.
Holy Cross has been restored. What was once worn is now renewed.
And what of the Catholic Faith? What of the Priesthood?
The Catholic Church has had a disreputable history, and in recent years many have left the Church, citing the heinous acts of some terrible men.
The priesthood is tarnished. But I believe it can be restored!
Let the restoration of Notre Dame and the Cathedral of the Holy Cross mirror the restoration of the priesthood.
These men who gathered together this week for the Chrism Mass have already weathered scandal. Boston was rocked by it many years ago, even before many of these men entered the seminary. The former glory of the Church was stripped back to expose the ugliness of sin and corruption that was rotting it from the inside, and we are actively working to strip that away too. Because underneath that rot is a strong and true foundation! There is still faith and love and honor – in the pews and in the priesthood, and in the Catholic Church herself. The Church and her sacraments are still pure, despite the sinful nature of many of the men and women meant to serve Her.
These men, who at times may have felt ashamed of their own collars because of the sins of their brothers, still came together this week to unite in the renewal of their priestly vows, and to bless the very oils that they will use in their own churches throughout the year!
So all of you who mourn Notre Dame – remember her beauty and pray for her renewal!
But for all of its beauty – Notre Dame was a mere structure.
Honor what she contained and give yourself a chance to know the Catholic Faith.
Go to your own local churches – your parish churches and chapels and local Cathedrals. Meet your priests and introduce yourself. Know the men who contain and serve the Church. Know them. Learn from them. Help them. Attend Mass. Celebrate the Sacraments. Confess your sins. And encourage the young men in your life to open themselves up to the possibility of the seminary!!!
Be the best example of the Catholic faith that you can be, and if we all do that we can restore the Catholic Church to what she was meant to be!
The Catholic Church has gone through some ugly times, but together, we can restore her.
Priests lining up outside the Cathedral of the Holy Cross in Boston to process in to the Chrism Mass, 2019 
Procession of the Ordained, Chrism Mass Boston, 2019 
Procession of the Ordained 
Archbishop Sean O’Malley processing in to the Chrism Mass 
Main altar 
Priests standing to renew their Ordination vows. 
Cardinal Sean preparing the Chrism Oil 
Marian altar at the Cathedral of the Holy Cross. 
Baptismal font in front of the main altar
Jerusalem Cross
A test as we begin this project.
This cross is from a photo taken of a gate at the Garden of Gethsemane in Jerusalem.
